Sunday, March 4, 2012

Good from the Bad: what I learned from the difficulty of a miscarriage

Everything was perfect. We had timed our pregnancy exactly how we wanted it. Life was cruising. But there was a big twist around the corner and a valuable lesson to be learned.

When I received the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating I somehow wasn't caught completely off guard. There were signs. Things I previously told myself I was being silly about. But under it all, those signs had prepared me somewhat for the sad truth.

Because of those signs and the way they prepared me, I was spared the emotional wreckage that often appropriately accompanies the news of a miscarriage. My struggle, however, was on the physical, mental, and spiritual sides.

If you've read some of my previous posts you'll know that control is a big issue for me. I like to be in control. Always. Most people will wisely acknowledge that there is actually very little we can control in life. And it will drive you crazy trying to control even those things. Me, I've fought this common sense fact for quite some time. Why? Because I'm an Italian woman maybe? I don't know, it's deep inside me though, so it's taking its sweet time to be resolved.

But this miscarriage brought me many steps along in the control issue. (I'm not saying that God allowed me to miscarry just so I could learn a lesson. No.) What I am saying is that I looked for the good in the situation and this area of personal growth was one thing I found. In this instance I was unarguably not in control. There was nothing I could have done to save my baby; there was nothing I could do to bring him or her back. I couldn't plan the ideal delivery date and guarantee it would happen. The reality hit home and it was a perfect example to me of this: How often do I think certain circumstances are in my control when in reality they totally aren't? Every single day. Every hour actually.

However, even though I was able to acknowledge my lack of control over the fact that I miscarried, I wasn't aware that my physical miscarriage process would last 6+ weeks and would be a much longer lesson in losing control. (Ha. I actually did lose control a couple times -- at my kids and my husband. But that's another hormonal blog post for another hormonal time.)

I decided not to have a D&C, but to wait for my body to do the work itself. For 4 weeks I waited. I searched online to see if there was anything I could do to speed up the process. Nothing. I had to choose every day to trust or worry. I questioned God: "Why isn't my body doing what it's supposed to do?" I wasn't in control of my own body or what it did. That's humbling for someone who likes to control herself, the people around her, and every possible circumstance as well.

When I felt like signs of infection were setting in, making a D&C inevitable, I opted for something else my doctor suggested -- a pill to induce miscarriage. Freaky, I know. I debated for days over whether or not to take it. Because -- again -- I didn't know what the results would be; I wasn't in control of the outcome. I suppose taking the pill was in itself a form of taking charge of the situation. I'll have to think on that one some more.

The pill worked and I didn't have to have a D&C. But my body continues taking its sweet time getting back to normal. I'm still in a state of having to trust and not worry. But isn't that how every day is? I can try to control myself, my circumstances, and the people around me, leading to frustration and disappointment; or I can put my trust and hope in God instead of myself, knowing that whatever happens is for good.

In summary: If you're someone who likes to be in control, just go with the D&C from the start unless you want a potentially long lesson in how to give up your desire for control. Ha ha.

A note about miscarriage: Losing an unborn child is something so many women go through (at least one in five pregnancies). Friends and family members were coming out of the woodwork when I shared that we had miscarried. Of the women I know, more HAVE had a miscarriage than have not. That was shocking, but it was also very comforting to know that I could talk openly with others who could empathize. It was also comforting to know that it wasn't a sign that I couldn't become pregnant in the future. I'm extremely thankful for the people who stood by me through our trial. 

2 comments:

WendyO said...

April, thanks for sharing your experiences... it had been a while since you posted so I was wondering how you were doing... I'm so sorry to hear but praising the Lord as he reveals Himself to you through your struggles. Thank you for the lesson in control as that is something I too battle everyday. Thank you for making it clearer and a good reminder that I need to die daily to Him. Praying for you and the family. So good to hear from you.

April said...

Thank you so much Wendy. You are so sweet and encouraging. I always love hearing from you.