My entrance into motherhood was rough. Five things had me spiraling downward. 1) Recovering from an emergency C-section took much longer and had many more side effects than I had anticipated. 2) Breastfeeding was the most painful and discouraging thing I'd ever tried. 3) Hormones 4) My child wouldn't do anything the books said he should do or anything I wanted him to do. 5) I was feeling bad for not enjoying motherhood.
In short, nothing was going according to my plans or expectations. It still isn't, of course. But I'm learning to accept that and roll with it. My depression level isn't nearly what it was post pardum, but it's still a struggle I'm quite prone to. Let's call it Depressed Mood, since it's not like get-to-the-psychiatrist's-office-right-now depression.
A lot of my struggle is caused by these expectations that are somehow deeply ingrained in me:
- I'm used to being successful if I work hard at something
- I want to be able to follow a formula to accomplish a desired result
- I get quite upset when things are less than easy
- I'm driven by perfection
- I like to be in control
Motherhood carries extreme highs and lows each day for all moms, not just those with my personality. Letting the highs and lows determine my attitude, my outlook on life, and how I react to my children is where the crux of the battle is for me. My tendency is to let the lows totally throw me off and ruin my day. It spirals like crazy: one spilled milk or potty accident can lead to me thinking my parenting is totally wrong, my clothes are out of style, I'm ugly, my husband works too much, I don't get enough sleep, I have nothing to fix for dinner, my children are going to rebel when they're teenagers, and can't I just get a break?!
This kind of thing doesn't just happen once a month around the same time of the month; it can happen every day if I let it. This is why I call it depression (depressed mood) instead of just typical motherhood combined with hormones. In fact, the example I gave above is a mild one. (Don't worry, I don't have thoughts of harming myself or my kids.)
So here's what I'm doing about it. First, my husband thought maybe I needed more breaks from the kids or time to myself. That is great and definitely something I needed, but I found myself still getting down after even short amounts of time with them. That showed me that it wasn't my circumstances that needed to change -- it was ME.
Next I made a page of inspirational quotes and Bible verses that speak to me on this issue, which I keep handy to read whenever I start on my downward spiral. (Helen Keller, Elisabeth Elliott, and Mother Teresa have a way of putting things in perspective.) I also admitted that my perspective on life was more whacked up on the days that I didn't spend a little time -- even 10 minutes -- reading the Bible or doing a devotional. Those few minutes don't always feel like they're accomplishing anything at the time, but I know they are.
And finally, I recognized the bents in my own personality that draw me to depressed moods: comfort and control. I'm addicted to both of those things. Unfortunately, neither is present in motherhood. And even more importantly -- I'm not entitled to them either. I have to remind myself of this multiple times a day.
So my journey continues. Ups and downs of course. But my vision is clearer. Spending time with other mothers who are honest and real helps a lot too. Support - Perspective - Honesty: those are my "pills" in this battle. If you need the real prescribed pills, you're not alone.
There is so much more that could be said. Talking about it at all is a good start though. And I bet if you share your experience you'll find many others who can relate.
5 comments:
Thanks for your honesty April! I know the downward spiral and I hate it! You are right that time away or breaks aren't really the answer. For me, when I feel myself going to the "bad place" I try to quiet my soul and start to speak out the things I am thankful for. It sounds really simple but I've found that having a "thankful heart" really helps me. Keep blogging, you are a great writer!
What a great post April! I feel like you literally could have been describing me! Motherhood has for sure been God's key method to bringing change in my soul - especially in those two areas you spoke of, comfort and control. It is great to know that we are not alone, and so encouraging that our loving Father gently leads us on this path of change and growth, painful as it is, isn't it? Thanks for sharing!
Just posted a note about this
Here are the tools I've been fighting with: http://elliesviolin.blogspot.com/2011/12/fighting-deprssion.html
Hi April! Thanks for your post! I totally know how you feel and go through that almost every day!! I had a lot of struggles when first becoming a mom and each day and life stage brings new challenges and struggles of their own. You sound like me when you go crazy "overthinking" in your head all the ramifications of everything in your life... (most of the time if I were to tell someone all that goes through my mind in the span of, say, 10 seconds, their jaw drops and they're all "oh my goodness, I can't believe you just thought of all those things...").
I have learned that I will never be perfect, nor will my kids or husband be perfect, nor will our circumstance be perfect so to accept and be joyful in the situation we are in. It is a daily challenge to do that, when every day I see so many failures in my life as a mom - where I perceive myself falling short - but I need to understand that we are not perfect, nor called to be, but that we are called to live each day seeking God and His will for us in our family. And to humbly realize that as much as I want to be in control, I am not, nor ever will be, and not let myself be depressed about that.
I have to take a lot of deep breaths, and step away from situations in order to come back with perspective, and realize that God has given me the husband he did, and the children he did, in order for my growth and not for my punishment (as it may sometimes feel... ha). That they are reflections of me to the Lord and that by grace, as God can deal with me, I can then deal with my children.
Now I need a nap.
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