Give Up! Some Battles Aren't Worth Fighting

Sometimes you just have to be practical.  You can give it a good shot, but if you're beating your head against a wall over and over to try and win a certain battle, maybe it's time to throw in the towel. I mean some things just aren't that important in the grand scheme of life. I don't like to admit that, because I want to win every competition I'm in. But I've recently decided to stop fighting a few battles...and it feels great. And that in and of itself is a WIN.

1. Squirrels in the flowerbeds. If it were legal to shoot them with a bb gun I would. Every spring and fall for six years I've joyfully labored on my hands and knees planting beautiful flowers, only to discover them dug up every morning by the cursed grey animals that rule this part of town. I think they do it just to spite me. Well, the nasty vermin win. I'm giving up on trying to keep them out of my freshly planted flowers every season. Way too much time has been wasted with countless anti-squirrel techniques and products. I'm just switching to rose bushes.

2. Nighttime potty training my 4 year old. I changed the sheets every day for over three months in hopes that he'd get it. We tried all the training techniques. No more. This mama got tired of washing wet sheets every single day. He's back in pull-ups until his body figures it out. No more dirty sheets and no more waking up in the middle of the night to make him go to the bathroom -- that's a victory in my book!

3. Home decor that doesn't work with kids. Our kids' room has a double curtain rod in it. It makes the room look like it has some semblance of style. One rod for the flowing, white, airy curtains; and one for the dark grey curtains in front of those. I was pretty proud of putting it all together. The kids, however, use the curtains (still on the rods) for Superman capes, hiding places, or a tent for their stuffed animals. Understandable -- they are a part of the kids' room. But there I was, regularly fixing the rods and straightening the curtains. It was a nuisance. After almost a year of this, one day it dawned on me, "Why am I doing this? The kids should be able to play in their own room and I shouldn't be so worried about having the perfect decor." So I took the white flowing curtains down and just left the grey ones up. They still make good Superman capes; and I have more time to play with my supermen since I'm not busy fixing curtain rods and tangled masses of curtains.

I could go on about how I've given up trying to straighten my wavy hair, or trying to find a 4G connection in my house that's nestled at the bottom of a hill, but I'm sure you get the point.

Life is too short to spend so much time and energy fighting over unimportant things. Giving up is sometimes the better win in the end. 

Good from the Bad: what I learned from the difficulty of a miscarriage

Everything was perfect. We had timed our pregnancy exactly how we wanted it. Life was cruising. But there was a big twist around the corner and a valuable lesson to be learned.

When I received the news that my baby's heart had stopped beating I somehow wasn't caught completely off guard. There were signs. Things I previously told myself I was being silly about. But under it all, those signs had prepared me somewhat for the sad truth.

Because of those signs and the way they prepared me, I was spared the emotional wreckage that often appropriately accompanies the news of a miscarriage. My struggle, however, was on the physical, mental, and spiritual sides.

If you've read some of my previous posts you'll know that control is a big issue for me. I like to be in control. Always. Most people will wisely acknowledge that there is actually very little we can control in life. And it will drive you crazy trying to control even those things. Me, I've fought this common sense fact for quite some time. Why? Because I'm an Italian woman maybe? I don't know, it's deep inside me though, so it's taking its sweet time to be resolved.

But this miscarriage brought me many steps along in the control issue. (I'm not saying that God allowed me to miscarry just so I could learn a lesson. No.) What I am saying is that I looked for the good in the situation and this area of personal growth was one thing I found. In this instance I was unarguably not in control. There was nothing I could have done to save my baby; there was nothing I could do to bring him or her back. I couldn't plan the ideal delivery date and guarantee it would happen. The reality hit home and it was a perfect example to me of this: How often do I think certain circumstances are in my control when in reality they totally aren't? Every single day. Every hour actually.

However, even though I was able to acknowledge my lack of control over the fact that I miscarried, I wasn't aware that my physical miscarriage process would last 6+ weeks and would be a much longer lesson in losing control. (Ha. I actually did lose control a couple times -- at my kids and my husband. But that's another hormonal blog post for another hormonal time.)

I decided not to have a D&C, but to wait for my body to do the work itself. For 4 weeks I waited. I searched online to see if there was anything I could do to speed up the process. Nothing. I had to choose every day to trust or worry. I questioned God: "Why isn't my body doing what it's supposed to do?" I wasn't in control of my own body or what it did. That's humbling for someone who likes to control herself, the people around her, and every possible circumstance as well.

When I felt like signs of infection were setting in, making a D&C inevitable, I opted for something else my doctor suggested -- a pill to induce miscarriage. Freaky, I know. I debated for days over whether or not to take it. Because -- again -- I didn't know what the results would be; I wasn't in control of the outcome. I suppose taking the pill was in itself a form of taking charge of the situation. I'll have to think on that one some more.

The pill worked and I didn't have to have a D&C. But my body continues taking its sweet time getting back to normal. I'm still in a state of having to trust and not worry. But isn't that how every day is? I can try to control myself, my circumstances, and the people around me, leading to frustration and disappointment; or I can put my trust and hope in God instead of myself, knowing that whatever happens is for good.

In summary: If you're someone who likes to be in control, just go with the D&C from the start unless you want a potentially long lesson in how to give up your desire for control. Ha ha.

A note about miscarriage: Losing an unborn child is something so many women go through (at least one in five pregnancies). Friends and family members were coming out of the woodwork when I shared that we had miscarried. Of the women I know, more HAVE had a miscarriage than have not. That was shocking, but it was also very comforting to know that I could talk openly with others who could empathize. It was also comforting to know that it wasn't a sign that I couldn't become pregnant in the future. I'm extremely thankful for the people who stood by me through our trial.